-Theodore Rotheke
Today, December 23, is the one year mark from one of the worst months of my life. Poetically, it was also one of the best months (we went to Disney World, we bought our first home, we moved)
Here is the short version of the story:
In December 2016 three of our four cats got sick. After lots of testing it was determined they had histoplasmosis. Histoplasmosis is a fungal infection usually gotten from bird or bat droppings. It is very rare for indoor only cats to get, and even more rare for multiple cats in a household to get. We still have no idea how they got it. It is a very aggressive infection. Prince, our 13 year old, black and white cat was the first to show symptoms. On December 23 we noticed his breathing was very rapid and ragid. We took him to urgent care. Unfortunately, he was too old and we figured it out too late to save him. We put him to sleep on Christmas Day. That evening we noticed Jasmine and Fergus were both breathing rapidly. Back to the Urgent Care we went. Jasmine was 14, she too was just too old to have a chance. We put her to sleep on December 30th. Fergus, luckily, came home. He spent about 3 weeks total in the Urgent Care- he did get to come home for about 2 days in there, but had to go back because his breathing got bad again. Fergus remained under treatment for another 6.5 months but he survived. #ferguswins.
If you want the full story, please feel free to check out our GoFundMe page we had set up during the struggle. www.gofundme.com/fightfergusfight.
What isn't mentioned above is that we closed on our first home December 15th. We moved December 26th. Needless to say we were under a lot of stress at the end of December- emotional, mental, physical, financial.
I would like to say that one year later that I have recovered. That the whole ordeal is just another story of Our Life. But if I am honest, I haven't.
I still miss my Prince and Jasmine. Even though they were pets the grief is still real. It wasn't just about the loss of my beloved pets- though that was hard enough. It was so much more. It was the fact that I worked so hard for their entire lives- 13 and 14 years respectively- to give them a better life. Way before Anna (our new dog) joined our lives. Even before I met Chad, it was the three of us. I adopted Jasmine just a few months after I had dropped out of college (don't worry I went back) and had moved back home. The three of us lived in five different places. Four times I packed them up and went somewhere else. They were with me through bad breakups, new loves, multiple job changes, college, etc. Everything. It was us. They were the stable part of my life. I wanted to give them a good life. I wanted to give them our own place to live. A home. They never made it to that place. One year later, I still feel I failed them. I failed to give them a stable home. While I know I gave them a wonderful life, it wasn't the life I planned for them- for us.
It is also the way they went. I was with them both during their last few moments. I still, in my heart, believe Prince passed before he received the medicine. I was looking at his face. Telling him I loved him and that it was ok- I didn't want him to suffer anymore and he could go. He meowed one last strangled meow and that was it. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw the vet push the plunger. Jasmine wasn't much better. I told her the same things, the vet pushed the meds, and my girl was gone. But what a horrible way to go for both of them. They essentially suffocated. I have asthma, I have had bad pneumonia multiple times. I know how horrible it is to not be able to breathe. And they are animals, they don't understand to the extent we do.
I feel for my husband. Jasmine became his girl. After peeing in his leather chair our first day in the duplex- our first residence together- they were inseparable. There are no words to describe the love, care, concern, hopes, dreams etc. I have for my husband. He is a truly an amazing, wonderful man. And I know and saw the bond he had with Jasmine. It was a glimpse of what I imagine his relationship will be with our children. And he couldn't be there to say goodbye to her. It crushed him. He doesn't talk about it much- men are that way- but it was there. The ramifications of that event I think are still effecting him and Our Life.
I sit in my very first home and it feels empty. Lack of furniture aside, it's empty. Even with the loudness of the dog and cats chasing each other, running around knocking things over. Something is missing. Pieces of of Our Life, our family, our hearts are gone.
It's also the financial stress. The cost of the care was high. Many people think we are crazy for spending that much on a pet. But even if I had to go through it again, I would spend as much or even more. Because if I didn't, I would have lost 3. If I didn't, I wouldn't have had the little time at the end to say goodbye. It was worth it. It makes me angry that 2 didn't survive, but not because of the money, but because they deserved better. But any expenditure of that magnitude effects you in so many areas. It limits everything. While we have gotten to do some fun activities and enjoy date nights out; there were many events we had to pass up. Our house is empty. We haven't gotten to do very many projects (and every new house has tons of projects). We haven't gotten to add any new furniture but what we already have. For the first 11 months our living room stood empty. The biggest, most open room in our house, empty. Currently, their is a big table and a Christmas tree since we are hosting Christmas, but this month has been the exception. There are very little decorations on the walls. I can accept that it is what it is, but again I feel like I am failing at being a homemaker.
I am hurting. My heart still hurts. All of that is bound to cause emotional effects. I know my husband is affected; our relationship. I know my friendships have been affected. I know my work has been affected. My faith is affected. I still believe but I never felt so alone and I don't understand why. My health is definitely affected-my migraines have increased significantly. I know it will all pass, but it still annoys me. Makes me angry. I don't like chaos, I don't like problems. My husband would call me a control freak and he probably isn't far off. Things not going well- causes me anger, and stress. I want to fix it all. And I just can't.
There is more, I could go on forever about the after effects of their lost. It is never just a pet. Never just the loss of a loved one. It's so much more.
One year later and it still feels like yesterday.
I don't write this to make you feel sorry for me. To garner sympathy. I love Our Life. I love my husband, I love our furkids. We both have wonderful jobs. We have fun together and go on fun adventures. We have amazing families. I write this because one year later, as I contemplate what has happened the last year, I can't help but realize how much one event changed the course of my life. For good, for bad, only time will tell. But I am a different person today, than I was one year ago.
First time homeowners! It was a long journey, but we are home.
Flynn. Now more than ever, we believe God placed him in our lives for a specific reason- He was our life line during the whole ordeal. The only furkid to move with us into our new home, at first.
Anna. We have only had her a few months but there are no doubts she is meant to be ours. She just celebrated her first birthday. She is energetic beyond belief and definitely keeps us all on our toes.
